Squeaky Gets a Roomate that Only has 2 Legs

Squeaky won't let us get a dog so we adopted a former intern. Annie interned at my job and after her internship ended, she was able to find a part-time job. But there is no way in hell you can afford rent in this town on that type of part-time pay. We have an entire upstairs that we don't use...so she moved in with us last week. It's been great so far. She helps me clean and cook. Yesterday, the three of us got the garden planted in no time at all! I finally have a shopping buddy. Sam always had the "my hip is hurting/broken/replaced" excuse to not shop. Now that he's healed, he's been using the "I work two jobs and go to school and have no time for shopping" excuse. Squeaky has already warmed up to Annie and I have no doubt he'll be camping out on her lap in no time. So until further notice, we are officially the Samberannie + Squeaky House of Awesomness!!!

Samber Camping Adventure: Part Two "Beer Coma, Chimney Top, and the Invasion of the Cheerleaders"

After crawling into our jeep, one goal was crystal clear in our brains...BEER!!! We headed straight to the Smokey Mountain Brewery where the waitresses are Russian, the beers are Tennessean, and the food is Mexi/Italian. Oh, and the beer is ridiculously cheap. I got 9 5oz samplers for $8.50 total and Sam got a 35oz beer for $7.00. It was pure hops heaven and even though Sam had to help me finish mine, I held my own and made my forefathers proud. We got back to our hotel and I fell blissfully into a beer coma for two hours while Sam took a shower and watched Swamp Men. After I woke up feeling refreshed, we walked to Bennett's for Sam to get a barbeque sandwich. I was too full on my beer and quesadilla so I picked on a baked potato. We were back at Bennett's the next morning for breakfast then off we went to our campsite. I was really sad to leave our hotel room and said an emotional farewell to the bed and shower. The TV and I had become buddies so it was difficult to say goodbye. We got to the campsite which was quite a bit further up the mountain than the city; therefore, our new home was quite a few degree colder. I was admittedly a bit grumpy so Sam and I walked down the river and took a few photos. The campsite area was beautiful and I was admiring it and walking at the same time. That was a mistake on my part. I tumbled down a slight hill in full view of some campers. Damn my clumsiness! I had climbed up a bleepin' mountain and back without injury, yet I can't casually stroll next to a river without nearly breaking something. I dusted off my pants and readjusted my pride all the while blushing a lovely shade of red. Back at the campsite, Sam built a roaring fire and we realized when it came time to cook the hotdogs, Sam had forgot the evil looking pronged-hot dog spits. I was actually glad that Sam forgot them because I forgot to pack pillows and now we were even. So I took a fork and used tape from the emergency medical kit to tape it to a long stick. Dinner was saved!!! The next day, we hiked up Chimney Top. So we were told it was two miles long and involved some climbing. There was even a lovely sign that said climb at your own risk, but the photo had a nonathletic preteen on it so I figured, I got this. After the 8 mile hike the other day, 4 miles is nothing. Except that the two miles up Chimney Tops is nothing but up. Minus the three bridges you cross, all you are doing is walking up an incline. My body hated me and I hated my body. Sam would grab my hand and pull me up to keep going. He would encourage me, remind me to breathe deeply. I told him that based off this he was going to be a good partner in the birthing room one day. He will be very supportive and encouraging during my labor while I yell various, expletive-filled insults at the top of my lungs. Back to the hike. So after climbing for a few hours we reached the rock outcrop at the top. To get to the actual top you have to rock climb sans rope. There are two different routes you can take. One involves a section with a drop off to certain death either way you fall. Sam took this route. The other option has trees that might catch you were you to fall. I took that route. Once on top, the views are spectacular!!! The sky was bright blue with no clouds and you could see out forever. It was nice to just sit and take in everything. This was a moment for quietness. Even though I'm pretty sure I made some dirty jokes while up there. I can't help myself. We headed back down and while I was walking, just walking, I sprained my ankle. I had just climbed my second mountain and was injured twice just by walking. I give up. After we got back down and felt awesome in our accomplishment, we headed into Gatlinburg to do the some touristy stuff. Apparently there was a cheer leading competition because the city that had been mostly empty when we arrived, was full of little girls in more make-up and glitter than all of Atlanta's vast array of strippers combined. They were intimidating. There is nothing more scary than a 4-foot, pony tailed, mini-Tammy Faye look-a-like, tweaking off a Mountain Dew high and screaming out cheers manically. The majority of them seemed to be from Kentucky and as soon as that came out of my mouth, Sam, a college cheerleader, gave me a history of cheer leading and how Kentucky breeds cheer leaders just as much as they do horses. And they always win. I then asked Sam if he was having flashbacks to his cheer leading days and wanted to grab one of the girls and throw her up in the air. Sam then told me I was making him sound like a pedophile. Point taken. The next day we packed up and headed back home to Squeaky. I was sad to leave the mountains. You can actually see the stars and breathe in fresh air. Atlanta just can't compete.

Time for pictures!!!

Sam's 35 oz. beer

 My collective 45 oz. beers. Sam only had to help me with the last three. I did my people proud.

 The river by our camp.

 Our shadows are kissing! Peter Pan would be appalled!

 We are about to climb the hard part of Chimney Top!!!

 The amazing view!

 Look ma! I'm climbing a mountain like a sexy, awkward kitten!

 This is a close-up picture of Chimney Top taken from the bottom of the trail.

  

The is a zoomed out shot of the same thing with me pointing at it. 

Samber Camping Adventure: Part One "Charlie is an Asshole and Now I have a Bunion. Damnit"

I've had a crappy start to my day and my nerves feel like they've been blasted away. So to calm myself down from the anxiety precipice, I'm going to write about our camping experience this past weekend. On Wednesday, I called Sam on my way home from work. I had spent the whole day drinking a variety of caffeine beverages and had hardly ate so I was bouncing off the walls and talking in rapid-fire spurts. Fortunately, Sam has been with me long enough to interpret me during most of my inarticulate ramblings. Anyway, so right after I told Sam that I needed food almost immediately to bring me down off the high, I flippantly mentioned that we could leave for Gatlinburg that night instead of leaving in the morning. By the time I got home, Sam had a hotel booked and after a trip to Wal-Mart, Wendy's, and a flurry of packing, away we went. We arrived at our hotel around midnight. It was the same hotel we spent our honeymoon in and it backs up to a river so you have this great, rushing soundtrack while you sleep. The campsite we were wanting to stay in didn't open up until Friday so we would have the luxury of a hotel for two nights. I didn't complain. Thursday morning, we woke up and walked to Bennett's. It's a barbeque joint that has a breakfast buffet that is fit for a king...or at least two hikers. Sam and I filled up on carbs and protein to fuel our day hike. We drove up through fog to Newfound Gap. To hike from here to Charlie's Bunion was 4 miles. 4 miles didn't seem all that bad even though it would be 4 miles back...  Anyway, it was really cold and windy so I was bundled up and apparently looked pitiful. Sam kept trying to catch me mid-pitiful but I thwarted his paparazzi efforts and kept posing. Tyra Banks would be proud. The hike path was covered in ice so it took quite a bit of negotiating to not fall on my ass. For those of you who read this and know me, then you know how much of a physical feat this is for me. After an hour or so, my ass and thighs were on protest and sending threatening signals to my brain. My brain, in turn, kept wondering where the hell was this stupid bunion and this Charlie person had officially made my shit-list despite him being dead for a while. Along the trail, I had to use nature's ladies' room for a tinkle and during my thigh burning squat position, my overactive imagination determined that now would the perfect time for a bear to attack me. I'm basically holding the preferred "bear food" position: ass out, pants around ankles, precariously balancing on a slope to avoid my stream. Right after the bear attack thought, I mentally cursed all men for their exterior plumbing and the freaking convenience of it. Anyway, bears did not attack me and I finished my lady business without issue. Back on the trail we kept hiking and hiking and hiked some more. Even though I was loving the surrounding beauty, I kept wanting to quit and turn back. I had no idea how far we were from this so-called "wonderful" bunion and I was tired. But, Sam kept pushing me along and encouraged me to keep going. We finally arrived at the bunion about 3 hours after beginning. To get to the top, you have to hike a brief but steep trail through trees and brush. But when you emerge, you have this amazing panoramic view of the Smokies. It made the entire trip so worth it and was able to give me a burst of adrenaline. I basically skipped back down the trail to our car. Sam compared me to a gazelle. Despite my clumsiness, I do have random moments of grace and this was one of them. Sam and I crawled into our jeep and headed to our next adventure...the Smoky Mountain Brewery.  Whew. I feel better now. I'll write up Part 2 soon. Here's some pictures.

This is me doing my pitiful puppy dog look.

 Sam is standing next to the path we are suppose to be walking on, but as you can see, it's completely iced over.

 Smooches on the top of the bunion.

 View from the top.

 Another view from the top.

Birth Control Debate

If men were the ones that had periods, cramps, endometriosis, PIS, ovarian cysts, and pregnancies then the whole birth control issue would be nonexistent. Birth control pills would be free and sold in vending machines. But because this is a female issue and we must stay virginal until marriage and have as many kids as God intended, then birth control options and whether or not insurance covers it remain up for debate. What would happen if every woman refused sex until we got the men in power to listen? We hold the world between our legs. It would behoove men not to forget that. 

By the way, I wish every time a man called a woman a slut, his penis lost an inch.