Canning Tomatoes, A How-To and A How-Not-To

Our garden is producing extremely well. Which is great except it produces way more than two adults can eat. So Sam and I have wandered into the wonderful world of canning and freezing. Over the weekend, we had a lovely time cooking and freezing 12 quarts of summer squash and zucchini soup. As a couple, we were working well together and sneaking in kisses as we circled around each other in an intricate dance of multi-tasking in our kitchen. It was lovely. Sam suggested that the next day we can tomatoes. What a wonderful idea! I was to come in after work and wake him up and together in splendid harmony, we would can the tomatoes before he headed off to work. I could then, learning from my perfect Martha Stewart blessed experience, teach others the wonders of canning tomatoes.
Below, I have carefully detailed each step.

1. Come home after working a long day to your messy kitchen the Husband hadn't bothered to clean.
2. Angrily stomp into the bedroom where he lays sleeping. Yell in a annoyed voiced so he know what he has done, or rather, not done. "Honey! It's time to pick tomatoes. So we can can them. Like you told me to yesterday."
3. When Husband doesn't respond, loudly change clothes so he knows your pissed. Try not to let the logic of him being too blissed out to care creep into your head. Logic has no place tonight!
4. In the rain, get down on all fours and crawl through the jungle of tomato vines to grab the best red fruit. Remember that one day you'll have kids and you can make them do this task. Or figure out how to train the dogs...
5. Once again stomp through the house and then realize you are stomping in wet mud boots. Curse. Clean up the mess you made, loudly change clothes again, and continue to the next step.
6. Go to your laptop and type "how to can tomatoes" if your laptop decides to not work, threaten it with a hammer and then repeat step on your smart phone.
7. Wash tomatoes, use a paring knife to slit an "x" at the bottom of the tomato and then core the top. Set aside after pushing around a bunch of stuff to find an "aside."
8. Boil water and then carefully drop the tomatoes in. Boil for one minute and then use a slotted spoon or tongs to transfer the hot tomatoes to ice water. Make sure you give the dogs an ice cube or they'll look at you with a pleading look that will make you feel guilty.
9. Let them sit in their ice water bath for a bit. Take this time to glare at sleeping Husband and/or get the jars ready.
10. Realize that you don't have any jars. Yell, "Fucking asshat, now I have to go the ghetto ass wal-mart at night. I'm going to get stabbed and it's going to be all his damn fault. I hate fucking canning. I'm not domestic. I hate the stupid garden. I just want to watch tv and drink beer."
11. Calm the fuck down.
12. Drive to the ghetto Wal-Mart. Look so angry that everyone who sees you immediately gets out of your way. This bitch ain't going to get stabbed tonight. Pay for the stupid jars and then on your way home realize you now have no time to feed your husband. With the speed of a Nascar-trained driver, pull into a Wendy's and get the husband the usual and yourself the most calorie-filled, paper-wrapped piece of heaven.
13. Stuff your face while one dog rests her head on your lap pitifully and the other licks your foot.
14. Back to work, peel the tomatoes and then drop them into a rinsed-out jar. Technically you should boil the jars but who has time for that!
15. Pour two tablespoons of...where the crap are my measuring spoons!?!
16. Pour two estimated tablespoons of lemon juice in each jar, followed by boiling water. Then screw the tops on.
17. It's now 8pm, so wake the Husband up, throw his scrubs, underwear, and socks at his face. Hand him his food and then tell him the rest of the canning process is his freaking job. Which he will do beautifully and perfectly, incident-free the next day.
18. Drink a bottle of wine and watch The Office until your nerves settle down.

Canned with Frustration, Not with Love