Sam and I went camping this weekend and did not return unscathed. We have never compiled more injuries on any camping trip until this one; among the injuries: battered shins, bee sting, thumb pierced by fish hook, bruised ass cheek, cut cheek (the regular non-ass kind), and a hatchet wound. Yes. There was wound caused via a hatchet. The bulk of these injuries happened to Sam in one swift, clumsy move. We all went hiking along the river to some rock slides. Sam, while holding his expensive boots (birthday gift from me) and a small camp shovel, slid down a slick rock and into the rushing water. The water pulled him backwards toward a small waterfall. I knew that the small waterfall led to a larger waterfall. I watched in absolute horror as Sam was pulled away. Out of my reach and out of my and his control. Sam is always in control of his physical self. He has lightning quick reflexes and amazing physical control of his body. I'm the one that trips going up stairs. I'm the one that fractured my skull after falling down stairs. I bump into the corners of walls, furniture, people, Squeaky. The fact that my skull is the only thing I've broken boggles my mind! I have no concept of rhythm and can't control my arms and legs simultaneously. I'm a walking accident waiting to happen at any given time. So the look on Sam's face, the look of un-control, scared me shitless. I was on the bank on the other side of the rock from where Sam fell in. I jumped in the cold water immediately and moved toward him. Our friend, Brian, was much closer and was able to grab him and pull him toward the bank. I watched as one of Sam's boots tumbled down a waterfall and out of my sight. Knowing that Sam was safe, I scampered back over rocks and trees, through the cold water, desperately looking for his boot to no avail. I went back over to Sam and kissed him hard on the lips. His shins were bleeding from the impact on the rock. His cheekbone was sliced and bruised. It actually made him look sexier. I didn't know that was possible, but yes Sam can surpass his current sexiness by getting scraped. It made him look rugged and dangerous. If we had been alone......................................................................
Anyway, we were then informed that this rush of scary white water that Sam fell into was the rock slide we were hiking towards all along! When I had pictured a rock slide, I had imagined a rock outcrop that has a small stream of water running over it. The rock would be smooth and one would slide down it and into a pool of water. This is not what this was at all. This would climbing over a slick rock (the one Sam fell down) over to another set of rocks and then pushing yourself forward into the scary mass of white water that would propel you in the direction of the freaking waterfall!!! Brian and his friend, Brad, did it. Sam then did it. Then it was my turn. I was told to kick my legs up so I wouldn't collide against a rock. Awesome. The proper leg position will save me from face planting on a rock. I don't possess the necessary coordination to maintain any proper position! But jump in, I did. The water immediately pushed me under and turned me around to the same backward position Sam was in. I wear contacts so I had to keep my eyes sealed shut and only opened them in squints just enough to see where I was going. I was caught by Brad and then Sam got a hold of me and got me over to the bank. I coughed up a lungful of river water and blinked my eyes clear. That was by far the stupidest thing I've ever willingly submitted myself to doing! But it was kind of fun in an I'm about to drown and they'll never find my body kind of way. After we had all recovered from our reckless adventures, we made our way to the bridge that crosses the large waterfall to see if we could spot Sam's boot. I figured it was a hopeless cause. I also decided that I would no longer buy Sam pretty things because he loses them. First he lost his wedding ring and now his boots. We all stood and looked around. Sara and Sam spotted something that resembled a boot. We scrambled down the path to where the boot-shaped object resided, stuck behind a rock. Sam went to retrieve it and sure enough, it was his boot!!! His boot had survived two waterfalls and was saved by a rock and the fact it too light to sink and too heavy to skim over everything and continue down the river. It's a wonderful boot, American made, and worth every freaking penny! I got it from Union Boot Pro and I can't recommend them enough! And I may still buy Sam the occasional pretty trinket.
We got back to the campsite and a bee took it upon itself to land on my pants right when I picked them up to hang up to dry. Apparently, it didn't like me moving it's landing zone so it stung me. Bitch. I've never been stung and I quickly found out that it really hurts. I'm not sure if I'm allergic but my mom is so I took a benedryl. Which meant that I needed a nap very soon afterwards. As I was drifting off into my antihistamine assisted slumber, I heard Sam yelp in pain. He apparently grabbed the small hatchet and somehow stabbed himself in the ankle. I was awake enough to realize he hurt himself but as soon as I knew he wasn't going to bleed to death, I passed out. I'm such a concerned wife. "Do we need to amputate? No? Ok. ZZZZZZZZ" The next day I found what appeared to be a more reasonable rock slide. A steady stream of water cascaded over a sloping rock that ended in a pool of water. There was no risk of white water or waterfalls in sight. So while Sam fished (the only thing he caught was my thumb from when I waded out into the water to untangle his line from a stick), I slid down. However, there was a small protrusion of rock that my ass impacted on the way down. So the last injury of the trip was my bruised bum.
At some point during this trip, I told Sam to stop being clumsy. That's my thing. It's what makes me special. He's sexy. I'm clumsy. It's not fair for him to steal my thunder. He told me I was contagious. Our future looks so bright and with shades of blue and purple that fade into a sickly yellow-green.
I'll add pictures of Sam retrieving his boot later.
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